My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
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Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Pass gas, not judgment.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with