My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
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I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.