Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
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You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political