My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
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the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?