I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
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People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]