what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
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Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Fiction has to make sense.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”