Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
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In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Ok but actually
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.