If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
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8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
☺️
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear