Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
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Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.