Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
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I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Liquor Store Parking
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
If a snake ate a cake
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*