I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
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INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
beware of dog
(jukin media)
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?