[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
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Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
I try
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there