FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
You Might Also Like
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
me after eating Cheetos
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross