Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
You Might Also Like
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
“i am a sweet baby”
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.