i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
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so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?
Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.
⛽️ 🦫
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.