facebook is down so i am having to improvise
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Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.