A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
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I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”