My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
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Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.