Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
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I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*