people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
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My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.