a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
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I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”