ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
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boat question
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
We need more people like this.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match