interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
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Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
me, after any kind of buffet.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.