I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
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HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.