I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
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My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
How I’d get arrested…
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.