“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
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I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Boating season is upon us.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.