Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
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When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
wow he looks just like him
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.