My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
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I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Need WebMD
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Yup
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
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