Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
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I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*