Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
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Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
The asteroid..
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting