“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
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I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Tier 3 meme
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.