What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
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My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*