I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
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PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.