Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
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i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.