The Purge: Valentine’s Day
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IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.