When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
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Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰