Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
You Might Also Like
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?