[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
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I don’t think my car can fly
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?