I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
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Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Baller is short for ballerina
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what