My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
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duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.