Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
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TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*