(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
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Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*