[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
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When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
just make the entire table out of coaster
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard