TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
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I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
The asteroid..
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
The three genders.