what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
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I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
How do dragons blow out candles?
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Customize Your Wedding.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Sponch
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes