Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
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My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
My sex drive has a dui
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.