Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
You Might Also Like
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
The game has officially changed 😎
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”