(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
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Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.