Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
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Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*