ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
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My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store